Published by Deborah on 26 Nov 2005 at 07:20 am
Emotional Blocks
I read other people’s blogs and marvel over the way they can express their emotions so well. At this very moment, I’m struggling to write this post. The thoughts are zinging through my mind at 90mph, yet I have great difficulty getting these thoughts down on paper or onscreen.
What do I say?
How much should I say?
Am I getting too personal?
How will I be judged by others?
I judge my writing (whether it’s on my blog or my novel) by what others have written. Most often, I find myself cringing at my disjointed sentences and poor choice of words. My critic rears up at that point and slings choice words at me.
"What were you thinking?" she cries. "Were you thinking at all?"
"I guess not," I reply as I gaze at my post, thinking what’s done is done. My post has been Googled and Technoratied by now. Of course, I could edit the post (which I’ve done in the past). But my original post will remain on Google and Technorati.
The critic is still screaming. Her face is red, and her eyes are bulging out of her head. She could go on for hours, even days. Then my rebellious adolescent side stands up and moons the nasty bitch before walking away–a short and simple f*ck you very much.
Hours later, I return to my blog. Sometimes I won’t find any comments. Other times, I’ll find several. I’m elated when that happens.
I’ll post my responses, again trying to keep the critic at bay. Then I’ll post again because I’m stubborn as hell. I want to connect with my readers no matter how stupid I sound to myself (and a few others).
As for my writing block yesterday, I could blame that on the unexpected arrival of my mother-in-law. But the truth was that I was stumbling over the same hurdles I’ve dealt with all my life. Plus, downloading and playing games seemed much more fun than dealing with my character’s grief. I did manage to get a few sentences written late last night for Prosperity, and more outlining done for Lost.
So the Miss Critic can kiss my ass. Guess which personality is shining through today?
Karen Lee Field on 27 Nov 2005 at 1:38 am #
Sometimes we have to be bossier than Miss Critic, but I wanted to tell you that you’re not alone in your thoughts and feelings about blogging.
Some of my own posts must sound vague or silly because there is more I want to say, but I’m mindful of the people reading what I write. I wrote such a post today and when I read over it later, it didn’t relate to what I was *really* thinking because it was censored. Never mind.
Deborah, you seem so sweet and innocent. I laughed at the image of you mooning your inner critic. Daring move.
Deborah on 27 Nov 2005 at 9:05 am #
Thank you, Karen.
I find myself censoring my posts as well, mostly because I’m self-conscious. Yesterday was an exception.
Sometimes I need to let my hair down and not worry about what people may think of me. This post helped me write a few more paragraphs for Prosperity, so it was worth it.
I’m glad I made you laugh.
michaelm on 27 Nov 2005 at 2:30 pm #
Deb-
I can relate so well to the “internal” critic comments. I’ve always found that when I’m waiting for him to show up and start slinging insults he’s MIA. It’s only when I choose to “forget” about him that I read a previous post and realize he was there all along.
I, too feel a need to connect with my readers. Interesting how we crave that as writers.
“As for my writing block yesterday, I could blame that on the unexpected arrival of my mother-in-law.” LMAO…
~michaelm
Deborah on 27 Nov 2005 at 2:58 pm #
That critic never really leaves, I agree. On good days, I’m able to pump out entire sections of my story. When that happens, the critic returns with a vengeance.
She came over again yesterday, this time bringing my nephews to play with the train set. I grumbled under my breath because she just had to come when we were getting ready to go out to dinner. At least she didn’t bring her damned, smelly dog!
Karen Lee Field on 27 Nov 2005 at 4:42 pm #
Mother-in-laws, everyone hates them but remember…you’ll be one too. I haven’t gained that title either yet, but I’m sure I will be thought of just like most of the others.
Having said that, no one should take their dog over to someone else’s house - how rude!
Deborah on 27 Nov 2005 at 4:55 pm #
Oh, yes. I’m sure I’ll be an irritating mother-in-law in my own unique ways, lol. Mine has done a lot for us. If it weren’t for that smell, I wouldn’t care.
Karen Lee Field on 28 Nov 2005 at 12:41 am #
Upon reading about your Thanksgiving day, I felt like heaving too…and I wasn’t even there. I swear I could smell it though, you did a great job getting that smell across.
Deborah on 28 Nov 2005 at 6:59 am #
Thanks, Karen.
Pat Kirby on 28 Nov 2005 at 7:19 am #
I don’t sweat the inner critic too much on the blog. (Although, I hate it when I noticed a big, fat typo a day after posting. Like misusing “its.”)
The critic is a much harder task master with fiction. Literally, until 2003, I never let anyone, ANYONE, read my fiction. What little I wrote was deleted/thrown out soon after I wrote it. Couldn’t have anybody read it, nope.
I “decided” I had to get over it. Except, I still can’t deal with my husband reading my stuff. Weird.
Deborah on 28 Nov 2005 at 7:58 am #
I used to have my husband check for typos and critique my work back in the late ’90s. This was asking a lot, since he hates to read anything that isn’t car-related.
I appreciated the fact that he was always honest with me. If he didn’t like what I’d written, he’d tell me.