Published by deborah.woehr on 19 May 2006 at 04:39 pm
Salesholes and the God Squad
On Salesholes
They seem to know when you’re eating dinner (or preparing dinner), trying to cajole the kids into starting/finishing their homework, watching a particularly good movie or show, having sex, etc. They’ve called us as early as 7:30am and as late as 10:30pm. My husband calls them salesholes, his term for the intrusive telemarketer.
This morning I was experiencing one of those rare writing moments when the words poured out of my mind, through my fingers and into my computer. Then the phone started ringing. Most of the calls were automated, so I got to hang up without getting bitchy, much to my disappointment.
After the fifth call within an hour, I finally got fed up and registered my landline and cell phone with the Do No Call Registry. My mother-in-law claims that this has helped her. We’ll see what happens on my end.
The God Squad
I have been trying to elude the Mormon church since I was eleven years old. It’s become an inside joke with me and my husband’s family, who knows how I feel about the Mormons and organized religion in general. I thought I’d finally gotten rid of them when I got married.
Nope. Not a chance. They’re onto me like white on rice, keeping tabs on every place I’ve lived. It’s scary how they find me so quickly. Did they sneak a chip in me when they baptized me all those years ago?
They always send me these benign letters written by old ladies, encouraging me to join their ward. When that ploy fails to work, they send out the retro 50’s gentlemen on their ten-speeds for a recruiting mission.
“Hon, here comes the God Squad,” my husband would say if he spotted them rolling down the street. Sometimes he would give them the bum’s rush, but most of the time I was forced to. I don’t know how many times I’ve told them that I wasn’t interested in their church, but my statement has always fallen on deaf ears.
I shocked my mother once when I told her that I wanted to excommunicate myself from the church. She had since returned to her Methodist roots, but was appalled at the thought of my idea. Sixteen years after our conversation, I’m still trying to fend off the religious telemarketers (a.k.a. salesholes).
I’ve heard some funny stories about how people have dealt with the God Squad. One of my mom’s friends answered the door to two old ladies who began peddling the Jehovah religion. All of a sudden, their eyes grew wide before they ran off. When she turned around, she found her two cousins standing behind her, grinning ear-to-ear. They had the number “666″ painted across their bare chests.
One of my dad’s friends simply opened the door and addressed them in his underwear. They never bothered him again. So I guess the solution to this problem is to prove to them that I am crazy and beyond saving.
fredcq on 20 May 2006 at 2:53 am #
Sales calls are the worst. They always come at the worst time. I still get them at work even though we are closing down. When I tell them that we are closing and that we don’t need anymore services, some of them still keep trying to sell me things!
We used to get a lot of Jehovah’s Witnesses coming around our house when I lived in Philly. This was a bit surprising when you consider how hardcore Catholic South Philly is. I’m in the suburbs now and very close to a Jehovah’s Witness compoud…er…church. I don’t think that I’ve seen them ringing doorbells around here yet.
Danny Haszard on 20 May 2006 at 3:17 am #
Up close and personal Jehovah’s Witnesses can be wolves in sheep’s clothing.
Applaud your blog and share your view of the Jehovah’s Witnesses cult,i was one for 33 years and they are bogus from the get-go.-Danny Haszard
deborah.woehr on 20 May 2006 at 12:50 pm #
Fred: I’m downright rude to those people because they insist on taking up my time. As for the JW’s, give ‘em time. They’ll be around.
Danny: I haven’t heard a single positive thing about the JW “religion.” Thanks for stopping by.
Lee Pletzers on 20 May 2006 at 3:48 pm #
I am tired of the JW, they visit even in Japan and when I said, “No Japanese.” they brought around an English speaking JW. Shit.
Don’t the Mormon’s use mountain bikes these days?
deborah.woehr on 20 May 2006 at 3:55 pm #
Talk about resourceful! They’re worse than cockroaches. I haven’t seen any Mormons with mountain bikes in my area.
jason evans on 20 May 2006 at 5:50 pm #
Hold out a Virgin Mary statuette (colored plastic, preferably) and ward them off like vampires.
michaelm on 21 May 2006 at 3:16 am #
The DNCR worked for me.
Used to be when someone called, I would say, “Listen, I’m in the middle of supper. Give me your personal home phone and I’ll call you after midnight.”
Generally, I would hear a dial-tone. Problem solved.
As far as the religious goofballs, the next time one knocks on the door, say, “Come on in. I’m taking a bath. We can talk in there.” That will hopefully have them running for the hills in no time.
I do like the 666 thing, though. Pretty cool.
~m
deborah.woehr on 21 May 2006 at 9:55 am #
Jason: Thanks for the tip!
Michael: I love your responses.
They finally showed up on my doorstep yesterday. I didn’t bother answering the door. When I told my husband about their visit, he logged onto his favorite forum, where he showed me a slew of tips on how to deal with these people.
Most of them were outrageous. Here, I’ll give you the link. It’s http://www.corevetteforum.com. Search for Jehovah’s Witness. Enjoy!
Deb Peterson on 21 May 2006 at 5:06 pm #
Deborah–
A couple of weeks ago I was taking my Saturday afternoon nap (which is non-negotiable) and was awakened when the doorbell rang twice. I’m living with my mother, who has moderate Alzheimer’s, and so I usually answer the door to spare her the confusion of dealing with someone new. Too late. As I hurried toward the door I realized that she had already answered it. I heard a man say, “Ma’am, have you found Jesus?” and I stopped. Oh boy. This was too good to interrupt. “Where was he?” my mother asked. Silence. Then “Can I share the Good Word with you?” Long silence. “I think I’ve got that already,” she said politely. I decided to put an end to it but by the time I got to the door the men were halfway down the street. “I think they were looking for somebody,” she said to me. Now I’m almost sorry we signed up for Do Not Call!
Scot Herrick on 21 May 2006 at 8:41 pm #
Do Not Call Works - except for non-profit and politics. All are required to take you off their call list when you request it. Always request it (companies sell your phone number to others if you don’t). Make sure you get the company name and the person you are talking to or they may not take you serious.
If the call is not non-profit or politics, ask to speak to a supervisor as they are breaking the law. Gets people’s attention real fast.
And, it works.
Scot
michaelm on 22 May 2006 at 1:16 am #
I went to check out the link but their server must be down. I’ll check it tonight and get back to you.
~m
deborah.woehr on 22 May 2006 at 7:39 am #
Deb: That is priceless.
Scott: Thank you for the tips. Very much appreciated!
Michael: Yes, I think it was because it’s working fine now.
Marti on 23 May 2006 at 12:56 pm #
Do Not Call registry works fabulous! If a non-profit or company you have dealt with (like I ordered gifts from Omaha Steaks, so that “allowed” them to call me) look at the caller ID. If it is a toll-free number it is almost surely not a friend LOL. Just ignore or pick up and immediately hang up LOL
As far as the religious nuts, if they call on the phone or in person, tell them you are happy as a devil worshiper, but that if they don’t leave you alone you are going to put a curse on them LOL
deborah.woehr on 23 May 2006 at 3:22 pm #
I’m glad I have Caller ID. But they annoy me by leaving a message. So, I do a quick answer/hangup procedure.
I like the devil worshipper idea.